Happy birthday, Hansol.

It's been five years. You're never going to read this. I hope you're accomplishing all of your dreams. I hope you've finally gotten out.

Because I haven't.

It's been four years.

You still probably hate me. You will probably never forgive me. But I hope that you're doing fine. I hope you're happy.

Happy birthday, Hansol.

You're twenty-two.

I hope you're in a good place.

Happy birthday, Seth.

I still think about you.

And I'm sorry for everything.

Happy birthday, Hansol.

a letter to my housemate.

emily, chances are you will never see this. i almost wish you would, but i have several good reasons as to why i will never say this to your face.

i want you to know that, as great as a friend and housemate you are, you are severely disillusioned. there are a lot of things that i don’t understand about your personality, but i just really don’t get how a person as exceedingly smart as you can have so little tact, so little common sense. i appreciate the effort you put into making your emotions very translucent. it’s easy to tell when you are upset, and it’s great to know that you will always tell us when you have a problem with something.

what i don’t appreciate is how often you abuse that quality, to the point where you need to address all the tiny little issues that can easily be glossed over or ignored. i get that you don’t like hiding when you are upset at someone, but you need to understand that there is such a thing as crossing the line. you are perfectly entitled to be bothered, but there is absolutely nothing to be gained from pointing out every single little thing that bothers you about a person. even if you are 100% justified, people can and will resent you for it. i’m not telling you to take shit as it comes, but don’t waste your breath and energy for the little things that don’t matter in the long run. there have been plenty of times that you’ve done things to annoy me, but it’s honestly not worth it to put even more effort in being annoyed. do you see what i’m trying to get across? it takes conscious effort to be upset with someone. to be unnecessarily mad at a person requires the energyand mental capacity that i am not willing to dole out for every single instance in which a person annoys me. of course there will be situations where you simply can’t avoid it, but what you need to understand is that not every single situation requires this amount of effort, nor is it worth it on your behalf.

i’m not saying that you can’t have your mood swings or your headaches. have your headaches. hell, tellpeople that you have a headache. say, “i’m sorry, but i have a headache and i don’t feel that great right now.” i promise you that we will all understand (though to be frank, you would probably have less headaches if you stopped being so unnecessarily nit-picky). but pushing your way off the bed where both jin and i are also sitting without saying a single word to us when we ask what’s wrong and then running dramatically out of the room is both ridiculous and, quite honestly, it’s asking for attention. if there’s one position i will always stand for, it’s to never indulge people who are so very clearly asking for attention where it’s not needed. just because jin ran out after you doesn’t mean i will. if you are so spoiled and used to guys chasing after you with their tails in between their legs that you expect everyone to go running to cater to all your tantrums, then you are incredibly misled. emily, not everyone will indulge your temper or your moodiness. you pull this shit with the wrong person and it could cost you a friendship, a relationship, a job. as your friend, i’m telling you right now that you need to learn how to reign in your emotions. not every problem of yours needs to be broadcast to the world because, quite frankly, the world does not care. learn to deal with problems on your own. everyone has to do it. you aren’t so special as to be an exception.

why am i not telling this to you directly? because i don’t need you to tell me exactly why you act the way you do. you don’t need to tell me because it’s quite clear to me already. there are a lot of flaws in my argument—i’m more than aware. i don’t need you to spell them out for me because i don’t need to be anymore upset than i am. do you know that recursive anger is one of the worst feelings to feel? i’m upset with you for all of the aforementioned reasons, and i’m also upset with myself for being mad at you. i don’t want to be feeling both mad and guilty about feeling mad. i don’t want to explain exactly why i’m angry at you only for you to make me feel silly or trivial. i don’t want to hear you say that you’re sorry and then suffix all your apologies with “but you get where i’m coming from, right?” no, i don’t want to get where you’re coming from. you’ll act apologetic, sure, but not without getting in the last word. that’s not how apologies work, emily.

but do you want to know the real reason why i’m not telling you this? it’s because i don’t want you to apologize at all. once you apologize, proper or not, it means i can no longer be upset with you without seeming like a bitch. and after all the times i’ve chosen to be patient, after all the times that i’ve let things slide—i think that’s something i deserve: to be angry at you without feeling bad about it.

that’s something i think you owe me.

I will never be able to say.

That I am exceedingly jealous of you
without sounding like a bitch

(an ungrateful one).

How do you justify envy?

The answer is simple:
You don't.

Oh my god.

Isla Vista can you shut up for like one second.

I really need to stop being a brat.

One day it's going to bite me in the ass.

Sophomore year is over.

Give me my summer.

Hurry up, kiddo.

Eighteen is too far away.

Was already feeling it.

Then I found out you're a dancer. Attraction skyrocketing.

Square one.

Now that it's done, I can go back to feeling. To tasting, to touching, to living. I'm back where I started, but this feels nothing like failure. I walk into the void, guiltless and fearless. This is exciting, this is delicious.

There is nothing like this. There's nothing holding me back now.

Every damn time.

"The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives be rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have already dreamed, properly, of a man who is better than I am."

What I do to people.

I will miss you.

But man, you are one dumb idiot.

It's nice sometimes.

Sometimes.

But you didn't deny it.

That's what cut the deepest.

To Tayler.

Truth be told, in the beginning you were no more than a way to keep my mind off the hurt that I had grown so accustomed to feeling. He's cute, I said. It's harmless, I said. Give it a try, I said.

And so I did. I gave you a try. And I've gotten way more involved than I ever expected to. What was once something I wanted to keep purely physical has turned into a full blown commitment with its own share of heartache and tears. I've come to care about you very much, so much, too much. I'm relying on you to help me get over my grievances, and I'm so upset because it's just not working.

I want to say that by going the extra mile, by doing more for you than any other person has ever done for you in your life, I want to say that I'll be the one that lingers in the corner of your mind. I want to impress upon you the thoughtfulness and tenderness that I so want you to have, things you don't necessarily lack but need a whole lot more of.

I want you so much to make me happy. I hate being so miserable and disappointed and crushed all the time. I really hope you'll be able to do that for me.

So please, I'm begging you, don't let me down.

To Shinnie.

I never thought I would miss you this much. I'm over the hurt, past the bitterness, beyond the angst, but seeing you makes my heart so heavy. Your voice, your laughter, your awkward smile—I want them back in my life. I love seeing you so happy, but it saddens me to know that I can't be a part of that happiness.

I'm in a good place right now, with someone I care about deeply, someone who makes me smile in ways you never did. But at the same time, there's so much he's lacking that I had found and treasured in you. The maturity, the subtlety, the high-level vocabulary, the sheer amount of thought you put into everything. It astounded me. You absolutely blew me away, Brandon. I've never been so dazzled by a person until I met you. Too bad you didn't feel the same way about me.

Please ask me again.

I want to say yes.

You were drunk when you told me "I love you."

I'm almost certain that you'll never say it sober.