Awkward Conversations

Today after school I didn't really want to go home. So I contented myself by watching Justin and his crew of eighth graders throw coins at the lockers.

Turning to their friend Gloria, I say, "You know, I really don't understand the boys in your grade."

She rolls her eyes and says, "Yeah, I know. But some of them are really hot, so it's okay."

This intrigues me. I probe for names. Gloria grins.

"Oh, you know. Guys like Sean Lee."

Sean's older brother Nathan is in my grade. I give him a skeptical glance. "Him?" I ask doubtfully.

"Yeah," she says. "And Daniel Lee. He's super cute."

This I have no qualms over. I have a feeling that Daniel's going to be insanely attractive when he's older, granted he gets over his adorable shortness.

"And Justin. I think Justin's hot."

Said honey bunny is about four feet away, yet she makes no effort in lowering her voice. Luckily, Justin's too busy being his fabulous self to notice.

"Way to be subtle, Gloria."

She shrugs. "I liked him a lot last year. I still like him."

At that point, I really didn't know what to say. As much as I fawn over the kid, I had trouble agreeing with her.

Don't get me wrong. The fact that girls like him isn't surprising at all to me. He's got great charisma and he dresses well. He's smart and he plays guitar. But as far as looks go, I have my misgivings. Sure, he's tall and skinny and kind of effeminate, which seems to be the "hot" archetype these days. But to be quite honest, I've seen cuter.

Oftentimes, I forget that he's only a child, all extended vocabulary and feminine charm aside. In the plainest terms, he's just a young boy with a lot of endearing quirks, and normally it would stop there. But he's also little brother that I never had. He's my eighth grader, my kiddopie, my thirteen year old darling. He's a wonder child. As far as I'm concerned, Justin is Justin.

I did her a favor. "You want to know something, Gloria?"

"Yeah."

"By the time you're a senior, none of the guys in your grade will seem appealing anymore."

"What?!"

Her shocked reaction amused me. But the tragedy is that it's true.

In seventh and eighth grade, I had this massive crush on a guy in my class. I was an obsessed little freak; I had his schedule and ID number memorized and everything. But as a senior, I'll look back at him and think, "I liked you?"

It's not that they lost whatever physical qualities that made them attractive. In fact, I think a lot of guys in our grade became a lot better looking. Yet because I've known them all for so long, I can't imagine myself being attracted to any of them. Perhaps that's the trouble with Oxford being so small. When you run out of options, that's the end for you. But it's still embarrassing to think about.

Today’s conversation with Gloria made me feel slightly depressed. Because I know that when I go off to college and Justin enters ninth grade, he’s going to change. A lot.

A year of being doted on by a high school girl has already gone to his head, that much is apparent. But it’s going to be worse when he himself is in high school. With girls falling over themselves to ask him to Sadies and being one of the only freshmen in Algebra 2/Trig, it’s going to get messy. His ego will swell, and he’ll just be another victim of eighth-grade-to-ninth-grade transitional cruelty. High school has this horrible, unrelenting tendency of taking charming young boys and turning them into complete jerks. I’ve seen it happen. And it's never pretty.

I’m scared of losing the affectionate kid who once made puppy eyes at me when I wouldn’t buy him Toblerone. I don’t want him to change. I want him to stay thirteen forever.

<sub>"Certain things should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know that's impossible, but it's too bad anyway."

Holden Caulfield, you’ve never been more right.</sub>

Today in general was one big awkward silence.

I need something to fill it.