Seriously, seriously, seriously.

Who am I kidding?

It's not going to happen.

So stop wishing it will.

Once a Patriot.

Visiting Oxford today has been one of the most emotionally fulfilling days for me in a long time.

From the start, I got attacked from behind with a hug from Yoonsu Lee, an eighth grader. He is one of the most darling junior highers I have ever known. I also had to stay for nearly fifteen minutes in Mr. Viramontes' classroom because Warren Kim simply would not let me leave. Warren, you and your pretty cheeks. Then I walked in Mr. Chaldu's health class full of eleventh graders and was nearly knocked off my feet with a chorus of "Hi!"s from about half the room. I was really touched. I love the Class of 2012.

I proceeded to hunt down various underclassmen (some of them happened to find me) and doll out copious amounts of affection to my favorite ones.

Naturally, my favorite part of the day was finding my beloved Justin Lee in Mr. Wittman's cluster class and listening to him rant to me about the various annoying aspects of freshman year after smothering him with hugs. I miss him more than anything else at Oxford. Enchanting little fourteen year old.

Mr. Rylaarsdam also gave me a pretty sky-blue stapler. Random, but much appreciated.

Days like these remind me why I loved high school so much.

Daydreaming is dangerous.

I'm wishing for things that will never happen.

I've been dreaming about.

Falling in love.

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone
At Christmas time

Permanent writer's block.

My creative spark died the night he told me my writing hurt him.

Since then, I've had no motivation to write. No inspiration for words, for fiction, for poetry.

I'm afraid of writing something else that will hurt people.

I'm scared that this feeling won't ever go away.

It's a pretty slim chance.

But it doesn't hurt to hope.

The good feeling's fading.

I'm surprised it lasted this long.

Not really looking forward to my birthday.

I just want a balloon.

For the first time in my life.

It's not because I don't know what to write about.

It's because I don't want to write.

Ever again.

And then I asked myself.

What have I done?

I haven't dreamed.

About Spirited Away in a long while.

Last night was the first time I've dreamed about it in over a year.

And I woke up feeling more wistful than ever.

'Cause you've got me on my knees.

And you just keep on getting closer.

Four years later.

And you still worry me.

Getting worked up.

Over little things.

Knowing that you're okay, that you're alright.

Puts me more at ease than anything else has in a long time.

I never thought I'd be so happy to see you again.

I never thought you'd be so happy to see me.

So don't think that I'm pushing you away.

When you're the one that I've kept closest.

Watching other people.

Get what you want is one of the most frustrating, heartbreaking things in life.

Sometimes I expect.

Too much from people.

I should stop telling myself things that aren't true.

Just like high school.

Yesterday, I was up on the fifth floor of San Nicolas and I realized that nothing would ever change.

Who else would snap their heads up at the mention of boba tea, who else would leap to their feet and demand that we all make an expedition to the local boba shop, who else would play anime loudly in the lounge, and who else wouldn't mind?

I know that I came here to make new friends, but I'm happy to say that it's probably not going to happen. Matt, Shuo-Ping, and I all live in Santa Catalina, but we're hardly ever there. I'm starting to wish that I chose San Nicolas as my dorm hall, but I'm living with my decision because my roommate is nice and I don't want to go through the hassle of moving.

Besides, I like having a giant room to come back to. And having to share a shower with only four people (as opposed to twenty) is very, very much welcome.

Amidst the flurry.

I feel a solace that I haven't encountered for a long while.

College puts me at ease in a way that I can't explain, and I like it. I like the openness, the freeness, the carefree, happy-go-lucky, feeling that I get when I'm with my college friends. We've known each other for a week, a year, two days, three months. But somehow I feel like I've known them my whole life.

No other group of friends has ever been able to do that.

My first official night in UCSB.

Isla Vista.

That is all.

The UCSB way.

Spent the past two days with the UCSB kids in the Orange County area, and it's seriously made me more anxious to leave than ever.

Three down.

One to go.

Frustration.

I had a dream that you sent me an email.

I don't remember what it said.

That you were counting down.

To the day she asked you out.

Even one year later, does it pain you still?

Do you follow my blog.

The way I follow yours?

I spent four years.

Hoping that you'd ask me for help. It could have been anything: schoolwork, girls, family issues. I would have jumped at the chance to be your guardian angel. I wanted to help you so badly, but you never needed it. I was always ready to catch you, but you never fell.

Last night, I dreamt that you took me aside. You looked me straight in the eyes and said, "My friends beat me up." Your face was covered in bruises, and you gave me this look that went straight to my heart.

I wanted to hug you. I wanted to take you in my arms, because you looked like you were going to cry. I wanted to let you know that it's okay to shed tears, that you don't always need to be strong. I wanted to comfort you, soothe you, be the help to you that I never was.

But before I could do anything, I woke up.

I'll write a book about you.

I'll write you in ways you never even knew.

And though they're all lies, each one will be true.

And then I thought.

It's only three and a half years.

Right?

An exposure to stardust.

No wonder you shine so brightly.

Another reason.

To learn you all over again.

Vicodin and Advil and all that good stuff.

I got my wisdom teeth taken out today. All four of them.

They gave me general anesthesia through an IV drip. It was really bizaare, because I don't even remember falling asleep. I just remember sitting in the chair, looking around, and the next thing I know is that I'm waking up. There was no transition or anything.

When I got home, I took some Advil and nothing started hurting until about an hour ago. Then I popped two Vicodin pills and it was like magic. Everything just melted away.

Ah, medicine.

Nights are long and dreams are cold.

If they're all you wake up to.

But should you rise with crying eyes, then I'll take care of you.

And then I realized.

That you're not the only one with weird dreams.

This day used to be painful.

Happy birthday.

From me to you. (:

We're just an endless blur.

Of deafening silence.

Is this what we've come down to? Talking without words? Conversations through blog posts and AIM statuses?

Is our friendship dwindling down to the last few threads before it snaps and gets lost in cyberspace?

Is this what you wanted?

And it breaks my heart.

To see you so lost.

Andrew and Hansol.

Reasons why I can't sleep at night.

System shut down.

As the world comes to a screeching halt.

He blinked slowly and said.

"What are you doing?"

She smiled and leaned in closer.

"I'm making sure that you never forget me."

Oh, but I want you.

I want you bad.

Yearbooking.

Justin gave me back my yearbook insert this morning, and he'd filled up over half a page.

I sat there, reading what he wrote me in cluster, and I swear I almost started to cry.

I don't even know what I'm going to do on Monday. I'm going to miss him so much.

It's been a few days.

And all I can think about is how anyone could resist you.

Maybe when you're older.

I'll consider it.

When you wake up.

And realize that you left your childhood behind, I hope you gain more than just a year of your life.

Happy eighteenth, Hansol.

And this ocean.

Is drowning him.

Snowdrop on fire.

Happy fifteenth birthday, Andrew.

You pretty, pretty thing.

Fun comes in groups, apparently.

Last Tuesday, Sean, Joanne, Elizabeth, Lupe and I drove to Cerritos to get Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I was dancing in the front passenger seat when some high school kids in the next car over saw and totally judged. I attempted to amend the situation by rolling down the window and giving the "I'm a choir student—it comes naturally" excuse, but they just laughed. Them Cerritos kids.

The next day, Roger, Bryan, Brandon, Christine, Daniel, and Philip headed over to Costco for pizza-y goodness. Roger and Philip had a driving race back to Oxford. Roger started out about four cars behind Philip and somehow ended up winning. I had the misfortune of being in Roger's car.

This Tuesday, Joanne, Rochelle, James and I did some pre-rehearsal shenanigans. James made me take him to Jamba Juice and he got the most awkwardly named drink ever. He is excellent.

Yesterday, me and a bunch of other people (Brandon, Jessica, Pauline, Annie, Karen, Kenny, Bryan, and Chris) went to Cerritos mall to do some choir/prom shopping. Then we went to get boba at Tea Station, which was absolute serious business.

Rehearsal today was tiring. Got lost afterward while driving Ivy home and blasted K-Pop music through all of Anaheim.

I am looking forward to more tomfoolery with the Tuesday-crew before tomorrow's performance. Going to make James take a picture with my kitty.

Yep. Life is eventful.

Liar, liar.

You and your good intentions.

And it's time.

That you let others hear.

Did you find something you can't sleep over?

May the Lord have pity.

On my black and lecherous soul.

I really think I'm going to Hell.

For advocating insane things.

♥

I am so creepy.

Like, really.

Sometimes I scare myself.

Meheh.

Welcome to hell.

I've been waiting for you.

Jamesy.

Have a marvelous sixteenth birthday. (:

Copyrighted.

[01:26] juhsteeenxd: kiddopie.
[01:26] juhsteeenxd: i saw someone use it on FB
[01:26] juhsteeenxd: i forgot who
[01:26] juhsteeenxd: and i felt all territorial.

This is kind of precious.

A breakthrough.

Thank you for the hug, today.

I'm glad you still consider me a friend.

A Type of Dolores.

You were all legs and lopsided grins
With careful, deliberate, jaunty steps
Those deviant, curious, nymphet eyes
And wonderful, wonderful skin

A tongue most sharp, a biting wit
A flap, a wave of your slender hand
And then roll your eyes and merely sigh
And make known your demand

Placating, you beg, you want, you need
I spoil you silly with that and more
You smirk and let live so that I might give
For know that I always agreed

Oh sweet, my sweet, my kiddopie
Where will you go, where will you fly?
Wherefore must thou increase the speed
Of poor old Father Time?

My darling, my dear, what have you done?
Your spell has entrapped me again
Your eyes and your cheeks and your legs so long
You clever and cruel little Carmen!

Oh dolly, my folly, it pains me to see
Sweet nothings work nothing, they won't let me be!
Oh princess, you know that eventually I'll go
My poppet, qu'ai-je fait de ta vie?

Precocious pet, a startling toy
Such a significant source of my joy
A craze, quite a daze, what a marvelous Haze
The things you create, the things you destroy!

Pray tell me, my lamb, are you worth all the pain?
Am I honey-eyed, starry-eyed, clinically insane?
What a pricey and rewarding child to maintain!
You fabulous, sparkling, intelligent boy

I think I should like to keep you for now
Place you on my shelf, out of mind, out of sight
A terrific, living trophy bestowed
On me by a generous sprite

Popinjay, you might think me blissfully strange
But my, what a powerful sway you had!
Lolita did never have quite such a pull
On old Hum who, as me, was not quite as mad!

Let's trade places.

I'll move up and live glancing over my shoulder, and you'll move down and never look back.

And maybe we'll find something in the middle. Where North meets South. Where East meets West.

Perhaps I'll find you. Perhaps I'll find me.

Perhaps, somehow, we'll meet there.

Apathy.

I am in kiddopie withdrawal.

Oh dolly, my folly.

Justin, today you turn fourteen.

I hope you never lose that magnetic charm of yours.

Happy birthday, darling. (:

Happy, happy, happy!

What day is it?

Valentine's Day? No.

Singles Awareness Day? No.

Day to celebrate freedom from commitment?

.... Yes! [:

Have a great one!

Let me teach you jealousy.

And you can teach me shame.

Simple sentences sure sound silly...

... When words wallow with wit!

Generally, great greetings generate gleeful giggles. Alliteration always advocates amusing antics, apparently!

To try this takes tremendous trial, though thesauruses tend to temper the toil. Verily, verbose vocabularies veer verbiage very valuable!

Indeed, I integrate interesting illusions in instances involving influential idioms.

Do you follow my blog.

The way I follow yours?

I love.

Beautiful people.

Heh.

[21:47] yoonho111: you are pure in my eyes.

My wonderful Andrew and his endearing naivete.

I'll admit it.

I enjoy being fascinated by you.

I remember when.

You used to visit me at three in the morning.

You would send me an impatient text about how you were cold, so hurry the hell up so I could let you in. I would stumble blindly out of bed and pad soundlessly through the house to open the side door. You would mutter, "About damn time," and push past me and I would follow. You would act snide and impertinent like you didn't care, but once you stepped through that door, you would melt. It would make me smile and you'd glare at me as if I offended you. But we both knew that you had a different reason for coming.

I remember this.

Do you?

I miss this.

[20:45] sardothienn: Thanks. -__-
[20:45] ShiNaGuMiHoXHyuN: lmao
[20:45] ShiNaGuMiHoXHyuN: dont need that sadface up there

What happened to this friendship?

Guess who's going to Comic-Con?

...

I am!

I'm really not.

That nice of a person.

Lauren is.

A silly, hopeless, irrational fool.

Happy, happy New Year.

I promise to not be an angstbunny this year.

Sound good?